What a blessing to be way closer to finishing a book than I had thought - that's the beauty of pleasure-reading an academic book with 15 pages of notes and citations at the end!

What a blessing to have friends who put up with my slowness in responding to emails!

What a blessing to have things like "Zumba" and "finish hummus" on my to-do list!

So many things to be thankful for, in this final day of 2012, and in general in life (if you haven't heard me say this phrase out loud, I do, and do often). There are seasons when life feels more complicated than it should be, but I am so fortunate to have family and friends to love, opportunities to learn about the people and this world in which we live, and many comforts that we may take for granted. My New Year's resolution is this verse from my Encouragement of the Day email (man, I love those!): "Let all that you do be done in love," 1 Corinthians 16:14. Now, I know I will fail. And when I do, I will do my best to seek forgiveness from God and those whom I have wronged. Just because I will fail does not mean I should not try. I will not be perfect, but when I am not, I will get back up again. I'd encourage you all to do the same. Seek goodness and forgiveness wherever you walk, and may 2013 bring you peace! 

Today I give thanks for people's patience and flexibility during Zumba timing and technical difficulties.

I give thanks for almond butter. 

I give thanks for paintings in bright colors.

I give thanks for welcoming emails from soon-to-be housemates who I haven't met before I show up at their/soon-to-be-our front door in a couple days.

Things that have inspired me in the last couple of days:

- "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." My momma and I finally saw Eat, Pray, Love. I have written about the fact that I am not a fan of uncertainty and that I would love to just have everything figured out, but sometimes love can knock you a little off-kilter, challenge you in ways you never expected, and hopefully help you grow into the potential God sees in you.

- "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33, my daily Bible verse email today. May we not only find peace in resting with God when our time on this earth has run out, but may we find peace in our own lives and help bring a little more of God's peace to others too.

- Preach, Santana! A God-is-light-and-love message from a music great.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xsZGd8_Wuv0#!

Today was craziness, running around the Cities, semi-fraught with nerves and attempts to get work-related things done. But I'm thankful to reconnect with people I haven't seen in far too long. 

I think all my brain energy has simply evaporated, so I'd just like to share two blessings that I received via email. The first, from a church connection I have gotten to know from being around my home church community this fall:
"I have had a wonderful Christmas.  All of my family was near me and healthy.  Never underestimate the worth of that."

 

The second, from an Encouragement of the Day email: 

"When we are trapped in excessive planning and things don't work out the way we want, it can create anxiety, frustration, or anger towards God—all traps the enemy would love to use to discourage and distract us. I didn't stop writing lists. They keep me from forgetting what I need to do.
But I have stopped excessive planning.
God's ways are higher than mine. And if I keep that truth above my planning, then I am open to go in whatever direction God leads.
I didn't have to sign up for Overplanner's Anonymous. Instead, the first thing on my plan every day is to simply 'trust God.'"

I'm still working on trusting God. It's an everyday responsibility, but the most worthwhile of all.

Today I realized I'm less than one week away from moving. My whole flexible fall will be ending, and I should have things semi-figured out by now, right? I'm thankful for home base to be able to have so many travel experiences this fall, and I'm so fortunate that my parents would put up with my popping in and out of town/the country, my consistent mess around the house, and my reliance on free food and lodging while I'm around.

Some get kicked out of the house at 18, others right after college, but maybe more college grads like me are finding it makes more sense to get our feet under us for a little in terms of of real person job, apartment, life, etc. I always wanted to get the heck out of the house after graduation, to orchestrate my life perfectly so I could just move out right then and have a smooth transition to self-sufficiency. But that was me thinking I could make it all work with my plans. And as people kept asking me what I wanted to do after graduation and all that spoke to me was "travel" (and I was thoroughly incapable of picturing a dream job), God's plans surpassed my own. I apparently needed more time to sort things out at home, and I'm so lucky to have had some pretty awesome adventure opportunities come into my life these past few months.

The travel bug is still hanging around, but I have at least had some time to examine what traveling means for my life. I have had some good conversations with my tennis coach who has been living in the U.S. for half of his life now and has gotten to travel a fair amount internationally, and he always warned me that the more you travel, the more critical you can get and it may be harder to fit into one place. But perhaps you may find it is easier to relax into more places and find joy more easily wherever you are - and find God wherever you are. I have run into culture-shock more returning to my own culture than experiencing others, and I will admit it is hard for me to simply enjoy life sometimes because I'll feel guilty that I have it easy a lot of the time. And then I always have to remind myself that I have to approach the circumstances I am in with as much grace as possible, and if I am meant to be here, then I must learn how to balance what I value, learn how to live here without going completely crazy in critical mode, serve others with my time, and do what I can right here.

The other thing about traveling that has been on my mind is that I do not want to be a nomad forever. I do not want to be this transient being that floats over the surface of the globe, making fleeting connections if any. As much as I love to get out and travel and explore, I am a homebody but I do not really have a home anymore. I may call my parents' house home, but I loved the me that was at home at Carleton. Nothing against my parents, it's just time. Flexibility is nice, but someday soon I'll be ready for roots, and so far Carleton is still that place I want to come back to after adventure-girling. The lifelong connections I have made there, many of whom are still there, continue to bring out the me that I feel is closer to whom I am meant to be. However, even Carleton is not so much my place anymore because I'm an alum and should have my life sort-of in order, in theory. But although I will be in limbo between social networks and part-time jobs in Northfield come January, my ties there still feel like home. I am also glad there are other alums in a similar position still hanging around and that we can still flow in and out of campus activities. Until the next adventure, I am content with some roots in the Northfield community for now.

Let's be honest, being surrounded by family for the holidays can be altogether wonderful and wearying. Just got back tonight from two days in Iowa, where the winds have sent much of the snow drifting into the ditches, leaving dead cornstalks exposed in the fields. But the drifts were just so perfect for an uncle-niece snowmobile ride as he knew how to handle the machine well enough and I got even more of a thrill than he did as it sent me flying a couple feet off the seat on a few of those runs. And perfect windchill for some teary eyes and rosy cheeks.

I'm thankful for bro time (with the uncles) outside in winter wonderland and hot cocoa inside with my crazy (in the crazy awesome way) aunt. I'm thankful for the three minutes of waiting outside for my uncle with the tub of homegrown corn to bring to the potluck to stand in the wafts of fresh, warm laundry air floating up from the basement. I'm thankful for the addition of puppy chow (the human food version) to the homemade dessert table, even though it may be my biggest weakness (I may have a lot of weaknesses when it comes to food and mostly sweets, and some days I have more strength about it than others...). I'm thankful for my cute aunties who, although it got too late to actually do it, suggested for me to lead some Zumba post-Christmas meal, and for how the Iowa family's attitudes towards healthier food and exercising have been evolving over the years. I'm thankful for how incredibly hospitable everyone is, practically fighting (in the sweet Midwestern way) over who gets to host those of us who are from out of town.

After significant down time today with the Iowa family due to a late night of rousing Power Uno and ping-pong, I'm thankful for the strings of sweet white lights draped over the naked tree branches to make Uptown sparkle, and for overlapping with an old friend in town for just one night.

Here's to being wiped enough for another sound night of sleep! 

Merry Christmas!

Today I'm giving thanks for silly traditions like wearing Christmas colored onesie pajamas and playing Christmas carols on speaker phone for my grandpa. And how he always sneaks in some version of, "Wait a second, I have something to say...." and then proceeds to recite 'Twas the Night Before Christmas in his own dramatized style. Christmas feast with the parentals, the children's pageant, and the candlelight service later, and I'm centered.

God calls on ordinary people to do extraordinary things, like God called on Mary to bring light into the world in the form of Jesus! Let's keep sharing the light of God's love, today and all days.

A blessed Christmas to those who are celebrating it, and a blessed day to those who aren't!

If you haven't seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower yet, please do. My friend and I met up for a movie to hang out and get ourselves out of the house, and in a cursory search of the movies out at the two theaters by us that fit with our timetable, we landed on this one (and at the $3 theater that starts showing movies after they have been out for a while but before they come out on dvd!). I remember one of my friends a while back had asked me if I had read the book, and even though I hadn't, she said I gotta watch the movie anyways. My friend and I were totally not expecting to walk into something so powerful. At least the feeling I had leaving the theater was to want to just hug all my friends. I'm not about to give the movie away, but the quote they make you ponder is "We accept the love we think we deserve." Each and every one of you deserves love from family and friends. No matter what wrongs you may have committed, we all deserve love and forgiveness. We may not find complete forgiveness from our fellow human beings, but love is an action we can choose. Something to receive and to give selflessly. And everyone has their pain and their challenges that they may not tell you about and they may try to ignore and/or overcompensate for. We have to take care to notice of the wallflowers because I'm sure we have all felt alone at some point, and sustained, unwanted aloneness can push one over the thin line between sanity and breakdown. Everyone's got at least a little bit of a mess in their lives, and I've felt that aloneness and I've felt that mess too, and we humans are pretty darn messy sometimes, but the least we can do is try to understand each other (perhaps especially the ones who seem quiet and weird... everyone deserves the chance to be loved and accepted).

Tonight I'd like to leave you with not your traditional Lord's Prayer, but another translation based on the Aramaic version that my church used today (find it cooky/hippyish if you choose, but you may find it beautiful too):
O Birther! Father-Mother of the Cosmos,
You create all that moves in light.
Carve a space for your Name to live.
Create your reign of unity now through our fiery hearts and willing hands.
Let all wills move together in your vortex, as stars and planets swirl through the sky.
Grant what we need each day in bread and insight.
Let each heartbeat release the weight of our mistakes and other's guilt.
Let us not be deceived by false illusions, but free us from what holds us back.
For from You comes the strength to act and the creative force in the Universe that renews itself endlessly.
Amen.

Today I'm thankful for being able to chill with my momma and simultaneously catch up on some TV shows (yep, I'm readjusted to US culture alright) and go through some of the vibrant art pieces and incredibly smooth and innovative woodwork I was able to bring back with me from Cuba.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to come back and share my experiences in Cuba with family and friends in the way of informal conversations, community talks, and follow-up in the political realm. The delegation did not just intend to change the lives of the seven of us delegates. We are to be catalysts for change of nonsensical, unjust policies, and I dearly hope we can keep the energy from our trip going through the holiday season and beyond. We want to keep having conversations about Cuba in our communities and what we can do to end travel restrictions so you all can experience Cuban reality firsthand if you so choose, to end the embargo that is at this point grounded in inertia and stubbornness (If you want a whole list of reasons, please feel free to contact me! And when I get to it, I'll also be travel blogging on kemstravels.blogspot.com), and to encourage the thawing of relations between our two countries. As one of the community elders said in her message she wants us to deliver to our political leaders, "The people of Cuba love the United States like the people of the United States love Cuba. Why is this so difficult if we love each other?" Their spirit of pride in their country and love of ours and our people despite the political wrongs we have inflicted on them is incredible. That is what cross-cultural connection is about.

Re-centering myself here, I'm thankful that I can find both Christmas and non-Christmas music on my normal radio stations because while I do love Christmas carols, I can't handle them all the time. I'm thankful that my family, for years since it came out, can always agree to have the Peanuts Christmas cd on in our house around this time of year. And I'm thankful that my fingers still have enough muscle memory to practice our favorite carols on my flute that I literally only pick up for these carols every year since stopping band in high school. May our music bring joy and gladness!

My song of today: "Great is Thy Faithfulness" by Fernando Ortega, given to me by one of my sweet college roommates a couple years ago and I think it finally hit me this fall. I was able to figure out the guitar chords well enough, but it is really the piano in this version that fills me up. I'm realizing more and more how my brain works musically comes a great deal from my mom, and it's amazing how she can sightread or pick out a song from hearing it. I'm so thankful that even if my brain doesn't tell my vocal chords what pitch to hit when I see a C notated, that I can basically pick out melodies, harmonies, and chords from hearing something. My mom and I may not pull off the best cover of Fernando Ortega's version ever, but from listening to it over and over the last couple days and going from my brain to guitar chords to her notating for piano, we've got something, and it's pretty special.

Dear Cuba, you were so good to me. Thank you for the opportunity to learn from your people and from fellow community organizers with Witness for Peace. So much to reflect on, and I'm definitely not quite ready for this white Christmas concept yet!

I'm thankful for the opportunities to contextualize my own culture in relation to another abroad experience. Even if I'm still overwhelmed by feelings of privilege, I am fortunate to be able to make choices about what is too much in my life than worry about having too little. It was not easy to land in Miami to smack into responsibilities, 684 emails in my inbox, and pervasive materialism after those eleven days, but such is life, and I need to learn how to readapt to my own culture while drawing from the adaptability, general contentedness, and solidarity I found in Cuban culture. Peoples connect better than messed-up politics, when given the chance, and I'm so grateful for my chance.

I still have more unpacking of things and thoughts to do from my Cuba delegation, but as I keep processing, I'm thankful for a personalized message from Santa via one of my besties and for the realization that this Christmas I'd be content with awesome bright colored socks. And I'm thankful that we have officially all survived the shortest day of the year. Things are looking up! (And for us Minnesotans especially, that means a lot!)

Today I'm thankful for the jewelry store that could replace my watch batteries in just seven minutes after I ran to the mall, coupon from my mom in hand, upon realizing the only time I ever use a watch is when I go to foreign countries (otherwise I tend to use my cell phone as my timekeeping device).

I'm thankful for Skype dates, silly voices, and giggles that last for hours and way past anyone's bedtime.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to see some of my church members' talents outside of church in a community production of "It's a Wonderful Life." It truly is a blessing to see others' gifts they have been blessed with outside of the normal context in which I interact with them, especially those who have encouraged acting, drama, and dance within our church itself! Not to mention the gorgeous voice and vibrato that poured forth from the character of Mary. She was amazing. I'll try to remember my voice envy as not true envy but as inspiration!

And I'm beyond grateful for my papa's willingness to get up at 4:30am to drive me to the airport so I can hop from Minneapolis to Miami, and then Miami to Havana! So, 3pm tomorrow I am hoping dearly to be on that plane from Miami to Havana. No news is good news for the next couple weeks. Wish me safety and suerte!

I'll leave you with a quote that one of my friends posted today: "Why then did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes any love or goodness or joy worth having." - C.S. Lewis.

Thanks for following, and God willing, I'll be in touch soon!

Today I'm thankful for those rare occasions when the elevator door opens right when you walk up to it and it's going in the direction you need.

I'm thankful for the real first snow of the season and how it turned my scarf (and probably my hair) completely white during the course of my walk through the neighborhood to enjoy it. 

I'm thankful for a meal of cobbled together leftovers of all the foods I liked the first time around.

I also want to include an email I wrote forwarding an Encouragement of the Day email from Bible Gateway to a few friends (I subscribed to this email digest about a year ago and definitely recommend it - it is geared towards women, just so you know, but there have just been so many great messages that either I can take something away from or use to better equip myself to help out a friend. Some days it is literally exactly what I need to hear, it's incredible. Besides, who doesn't need a little encouragement now and again? Or every day?!)

"Hi friends! I just wanted to pass this along because it touched me today. Especially this: 'You can't work to know the love of God. You need to rest in the love of God.' We don't need to work for God's love, we just need to love God and let God work through us! (Maybe I shoulda realized this in those words before, but sometimes even things I in theory understand need to be spelled out haha). And as crazy as our lives can get, resting in God's love is basically the coolest thing ever, and perhaps all the more important when our lives get crazier. May you find rest in God's love today and all days!"

I take delight in small revelations. Some days, maybe God just needs to hit me over the head with a message in clearer terms than whatever I had been muddling through. But isn't that quote beautiful? "You can't work to know the love of God. You need to rest in the love of God." Breathe. And as God fills you with your next breath and the one after that, may you find peace in that perfect love.

As I sat down to write tonight, I paused, reflecting, and pressed shuffle play on my Mustard Seed playlist. "Good to be Alive." Perfect. Nothing deep or profound to report today, but the average, getting stuff done kind of day is totally okay now and again. It's just good to be alive. I give thanks for being able to escape to dance when my heart was pained earlier today. I give thanks for good blisters - the kind that just hang out painlessly on the bottoms of my feet after Zumba-ing barefoot. I give thanks for family game night and good-natured sass and taunting that accompany "Oh P'shaw," or "Oh H-e-double-hockey-sticks," as my grandma would call it.

Today, God, thank you for blessing my life with an average day. For waking me up with your light, for letting me find solace in your presence and in the company of your children, for simple pleasures.

Like Jason Gray sings, "I wanna live like there's no tomorrow, love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive." Amen, sir.

After a night of endless thoughts and little sleep, I have realized how infrequent those nights are now, thank God! For much of my life, I have had to implement a falling-asleep routine, when to turn to my right side after much of my brain power is waning, etc. I have just been accustomed to my best thinking, praying, and processing hitting me all as I lay my head down to sleep. That served me well in college, actually, as whenever I was in a tumultuous state of essay writing or presentation preparation and it was as if 18 little thought birds were whirring around in different directions and I needed to catch each one and make sense of it, all I had to do was power nap and float into a wellspring of clarity.

But a lot of my life, I have put myself under profound stress about what the next day would bring, thinking of all the tasks left undone, of the next game or competition, or of how I would have to work up the courage and strength to put myself out there. Or I simply worry about things. And people. I am a natural worrier. But in the last couple years I have found more ways to cope, to write my worries down and deal with them in the light of the next day, to let things go, or to sort things through. And God has been patient with me as I learn how to channel God's peace. I still have a natural tendency to worry, but then there's this verse that hit me and stuck this fall in my Unglued bible study: "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything." Maybe having a conversation with God is daunting and more stress than peace for you at this point, but if you find peace through music, or art, or dance, those are ways to let God move through you too! Last night was one of the nights where the thoughts kept me awake, but I am so thankful that those nights are few and far between, at least in this season.

And today I'm thankful for heartening comments from strangers :-) There can be so much filth, hyper-criticalness, and people tearing each other down or yelling in derogatory remarks and/or all caps on the internet. As much as I am doing this blog in an attempt to reflect on God's blessings in my own life and not expecting any commendations from humans, I hope that some miniscule portion of my random ramblings touches someone out there, and the commendation is an added bonus!

Another instance of revelation of healing today is that I realized, hey, I played tennis last night, and my wrist does not hurt today! So thankful for time to rest it and heal that injury that plagued me most of my senior season. Sometimes, the body just needs time to heal too, and year-round competition does not often grant that. I do believe this is the first time my wrist has not hurt during or after tennis in eight months, so that gives me another confirmation that some time away from the sport was a pretty healthy decision.

Other things...
Goo Gone is amazing. So is youth group night of caroling in a group home followed by talking college prospects with St. Luke high schoolers. And finding a birthday check from my grandparents from two years ago that I had apparently forgotten to deposit - it came at a pretty solid time, as I look to set out on my own in the near future. Yay pleasant surprises!

Today I'm thankful my laptop trackpad could still recognize my swipes through the layer of superglue on my fingertips. Nothing quite like how Elmer's peels off with a fingerprint impression though...

I'm thankful for the remnants of my childhood that turn up while organizing my room. And I'm thankful for how much more comfortable I have gotten with driving since the days I needed a "directions" notebook to tell me which way to turn out of my own street.

I'm thankful for the time I had with the house to myself, even though it was not quite long enough.

I'm thankful I had nowhere to be when my momma's car was fussy and refused to start so she could borrow mine and get to the doctor on time.

I'm thankful for friends who try to be sneaky and pay the waiter in advance for dinner without my noticing.

I'm thankful that after basically twelve years of year-round competitive tennis, it is still a part of my life. After not playing for a few weeks, to get back on the court tonight with one of my old teammates felt foreign because it is not on the front burner of my life anymore, but yet, so natural. Going from playing and competing about five days a week, every week for basically twelve years to seeking to play once in a while because I still love it is pretty much the best. I give thanks for the much-needed rest from all of the pressure that I basically just put on myself mentally and physically because I wanted to do well for my team. I'm thankful I can still keep up with Carleton tennis and try to support them as for many of the things they are going through, I've been there, done that. I was so fortunate to have a great college tennis experience with my team and coaches, and now, my family sport can be one of those things that I can do to run around until I can't run around anymore.

I'm thankful for friends who continue to reach out even though I can be quite bad at keeping in touch. After long days, people may not be my first default, but that does not mean I do not care or I do not want to maintain relationships. I have come to understand that I can kind of be a strange mix of introversion and extroversion, and God has created me to thrive in one-on-one time with others or in small groups. And every day I am learning how to best get all filled up on God's love by balancing work, activities that help me find peace and rest, and giving of myself to meaningful relationships because I so want to live God's love all the time. However, I will try to continuously acknowledge that I am not perfect, and so it is still my job to admit my inadequacies and understand how they are manifest in my relationships and in my relationship with God. It is through God that we can respond to stress with breath, vulnerability with strength, and fear with love.

P.S. Friends, I so appreciate hearing from you. My apologies that I may not reach out as much as I perhaps should or as much as you would like to hear from me. Know that I still care about you, and if it takes me a while to respond to your message, it's because I want to sit down with enough time to fully devote to you and your message.

Today I'm thankful to have emails fly into my inbox from friends in China and Nicaragua to maintain relationships and nerd out in Spanish and my increasingly disappearing Mandarin. I'm thankful for Carleton friend Skype dates and "Carleton wouldn't be the same without you!" I'm thankful for "St. Luke junkies" that let me pop into Latin America focus group meetings when I am in town and who really know how to build me up. And I'm thankful for my papa's knowledge and patience to sit through my finance-dumb questions to better understand how to manage my funds and work on that whole financial independence concept that I should probably work on as a young adult. I am truly fortunate to have supportive parents both in terms of providing a free bed and free food as a home base for just a little while longer, and also of helping me be a better steward of my moneys so I can sustain myself and others.

Today I am thankful for St. Luke's celebration of 30 years as part of the Sanctuary Movement, that we embraced and did not turn away Central Americans seeking asylum from their war-torn homelands in the '80s, and for growing up in this community striving to live out faith and conscience in the face of societal controversy. I give thanks for Pastor Gwin's message that framed Jesus' first years as the ultimate refugee story of fleeing from persecution and depending on gracious hosts for shelter and necessities. "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in." Ultimate humility and ultimate grace.

Christianity as well as any other faith tradition can get politicized, and immigration is one of those issues that is too complicated and gets swept up into a frenzied mess in the political sphere. You are more than welcome to take issue with my faith and my politics and how they intersect. Let's have a respectful discussion. All that I want is for all of God's children to have a safe place to live and enough to eat and to drink. Simple enough right? And yet we stray from our purpose and make it all the more complicated, making the solution elusive at best. May we remember the flow of people, and especially of migrants and refugees, is not just an issue of politics. It is an issue of resources, of community, of justice, and of humanity.

And for lighter things, I'm thankful for the most picturesque scene I've seen in quite some time. Ninety percent of today was one of those blah early winter days where moisture in the air hangs low to the ground, blocking all sun and permeating the air with however one could describe an odor of sogginess with a slight smokiness, the awkard precursor to the actually refreshing after-rain smell. The forecast called for sun, and it looked like rain, but it just hung out confused and in between those two. Anyways, as my friend and I were driving east into Minneapolis on 94, I couldn't not interrupt my friend's story (with as much tact as possible). "I'm sorry, but, but, just look at that!" A strip of sunlight with a soft, uneven edge like handmade paper torn by hand extended from behind St. Mary's basilica diagonally up towards the right, streaming through the fog and highlighting the steeple.

Do I ever wish I weren't driving. Do I ever wish I had my camera. Do I ever wish that lasted more than three seconds before my Civic descended into the 94 tunnel and that scene was lost. But it was glorious for that moment.

I'm thankful for a friend who I realized uses "I'm so lucky that..." "I'm so fortunate that..." "I'm so glad that..." etc. in her vocabulary incessantly. I'm thankful that she wanted to join me at the last minute to do some holiday shopping at a fair trade fair. And I'm thankful for not being pressed for time and for the opportunity to talk world travels and world politics over bubble tea and dark chocolate truffles.

Today I'm thankful for an awesome Wisconsin road trip, kicked off last night by a Crispin tasting and cooking class event where I got to learn culinary usage of the verbs "sweat," "deglaze," and "bloom." I'm thankful that we carpooled so we could keep our wits about us driving through a semi-abandoned section of Minneapolis, at least at night, and we found the place with its string of tiny lights in the darkness. I'm thankful for conversations with new contacts and giggle fits with old friends.

I'm thankful for road trip hilarity that made the hour and a half to Menomonie go by in a snap, as well as the extra half hour of wondering why our little blue dot on the iPhone map wasn't finding our friend's house (turns out it helps if your friend makes sure their phone sends you the right address). It's great to have friends who will also whip out their phones, their best guesses as to where that path leads, and their good-natured flexibility.

I'm thankful for the perfect gender ratio for catch phrase teams, tooth brushing parties, and friend sandwiches on the futon. Love.

I'm thankful for extended breakfasts, time to just be together, and the brilliance and bad Mandarin of Firefly.

I'm thankful for schedules to work out for another stop on our road trip to see another high school friend, with whom I have my second-longest friendship. I'm thankful we took a brisk walk to have a late lunch at the Acoustic Cafe, a sibling to Hogan Brothers in my beloved Northfield. I'm thankful for friends who will eat my croutons after I've forgotten to ask the cashier to hold them, especially because I hate wasting food. I'm thankful for time to catch up and even extra time to swap silly animal stories since we all love the scaly and fuzzy creatures in our lives.

I'm thankful for the detour to "Oh let's stop in this store because they have cats!" and find ourselves at their open house with a fire and free smores right outside the storefront, luring us inside with our original intent of shopping artsy products with cat companionship.

I'm thankful for how amazing of seats my mom found us for the Guthrie's production of A Christmas Carol. There is really not one bad seat in the house, but we were kind of shocked when the usher led us down so close you could see it sprinkle the stage when an actor spit out a word beginning with a "p" (without getting rained on ourselves). Apparently I had seen it with my grandparents when I was younger, but at an age where I could not appreciate it as much. And what drew me to see this show this year was a girl who I had taught some tennis to and seen her grow up for the last few years. When she said she was going to be missing some school this fall to rehearse for this play, I wanted to go see her in this other context, especially as her theatrical personality comes in such handy to be silly with the younger tennis campers. It was wonderful to see her take on that role on the big stage, and I would say this version of this Dickens classic is pretty darn powerful.

I'm thankful for the challenges the arts can present us with. That social questions Dickens raised in the 1800s are unfortunately still relevant, but fortunately still being asked. What should we do about those less fortunate than us? How can we bring more light to others in our time on this earth? Lest the ghost of Christmas future bring as much of a racket with strobe lights, smoke bombs, and sinister orchestral accompaniment as the Guthrie rendition. Perhaps we all do not need to be frightened into giving, but perhaps we may need to be shaken out of our complacency. Those who have been blessed with more in terms of material wealth could give more, but many of us could give more of ourselves and of our time as well.

We cannot expect or demand of one another to give more, but I think we should all reflect on our lives and how we can do more. Maybe it's giving food to the next homeless person you see, maybe it's inviting acquaintances or friends who may be without people to share the holiday with over to your home for a meal, or maybe it's dedicating your life's work to reducing poverty and its effects in your community or in our world.

The tricky part of this is the willingness of the human spirit to help others. We are never going to like doing things we feel forced into, no matter how noble, right? There will always be, at the very least, a twinge of a grudge, a shadow over your good deed, if it was done even partially in obligation rather than complete selflessness. You have heard some of my thoughts, but we all can make the choice. The hardest part may be figuring out how best to give of our time and talents, or it may be being the quintessential "cheerful giver" as we are called to be. May we all try to take on a gracious spirit in our lives, in this holiday season and into the season of Christmas future.

I will leave you with this quote from Dickens (who you may rather read anyway than my incessant musings, as his works are quite reputable): "Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."

Happy Friday, all! 

Today I'm thankful for awesome dentists who have been nothing but helpful in my tooth saga, for adorable children eating donuts and getting sprinkles all over their faces, and for coming out of Target with everything I needed to buy and nothing I didn't need.

Also for this cuteness-overload photo my momma emailed me from when she washed a few teddy bears:

And for the opportunity to take one of my good high school friends out to a cooking class to belatedly celebrate her birthday! Foodies' paradise. I'm fortunate to have enough to eat every day and to be able to enjoy learning how to prepare it a little bit better!

"Forgive and forget, but don't forget why you're here"

Today I'm thankful that I was not in a time crunch when my work email draft disappeared into thin cyber-air. And I'm so thankful for copy and paste and a bit of short-term memory, as well as for autosave features in actual email platforms.

I'm thankful for hearing from and being re-inspired by old mentors.

Even though I would prefer to be in the tropicalia of Rio right now, purchasing an iced açaí at a juice bar for dinner and going out salsa dancing late, I praise God for rediscovering-old-worn-fuzzy-sweatshirt season.

I'm thankful that I (just like any of you) can make a difference in my political system. As much of a cynic as I can be, and as messed up as our system can be, I am grateful to have been able to talk to senators' trade staffers yesterday and see tangible progress and commitment after following up with them today. Personal conversations do matter, and you can call your legislators. If they are conflicted on an issue or need to know more about it, they may just want to hear their constituents care! They are supposed to represent us, after all.

I'm thankful that cleaning can include photo albuming (gotta do something with those stacks of photos that have been taking up floor space for hmm.... months?)!

I'm thankful for schotcheroos my aunt sent home with us from Thanksgiving. Despite the fact that they also represent a challenge to my fitness commitments.

And lastly, I've been blessed today by talking through some of the difficulties of this transition period today with my mama. We got to have the "You're not perfect, and neither am I" conversation. God calls us to be patient in love, which we can be so quick to forget with the ones with whom we spend much of our time, holding them to a higher standard than others. We are all shaped by our different natures, gifts, and experiences and therefore may react differently to challenges. We are human, and diversity is a part of that, even within blood relationships. But we are all trying to figure this whole life thing out, which is a gift and a curse, and we can all use a little more understanding. Especially in close quarters. Or you'll go crazy. But in all seriousness, we are not meant to understand each other all the time, and we are definitely not meant to agree with each other all the time. But we must try to see common humanity in each other, and in that common humanity, accept and forgive imperfection.

Today, I'm so thankful to have found my perfect place to move into in January so that I can be closer to Carls I love who still haven't graduated.

I'm thankful that my modes of generating income are also falling into place to be sustainable and gain good life experience.

I'm thankful that I can picture my new room in a gorgeous white-walled, light-wooded house to fuel my much-needed cleaning and packing frenzy.

I'm thankful for catching up with one of my college besties, knowing even if we go for a while without talking, we'll still be friends forever. Planning visits and international travels is also the best. Thank you God for bringing her into my life!

And I'm thankful to have been so filled today, that even as it's getting rather late, I still have the energy to run off and go do Zumba!

Until tomorrow, dearest readers. Sweet dreams.

Today I'm thankful for ridiculous late night Portenglish (the confluence of Portuguese and English doesn't quite have the same zazz as Spanglish or Chinglish, now does it?) conversations on Facebook that span two different countries and three different cities encompassing inside jokes from shared experiences in Brazil mais bonita.

I'm thankful for the two minutes it took me to pull a Uey, park in the shoulder, and walk back toward the end of the ramp on Exit 69 (Oh Carleton, my alma mater...) with a bag of food for the homeless vet camped with his sign, as another man who I guess had been driving right behind me had the same idea and was just a bit quicker to pull over. I hope the man now had enough for two meals, and I'm so grateful I'm not the only one doing this, that there are others out there trying to look out for the meekest of the meek. We may have not fixed anything, and we did not end homelessness for this man or in general, but we did what we could to try to alleviate his hunger. I hope he knows that he is not alone and is encouraged, just as I have been encouraged by another person taking the two minutes to try to meet a need.

I'm thankful for the sweet smell of Malt-o-Meal rounding the curve past St. Olaf, for meeting with a professor who wears many hats including both boss and friend, for the opportunity to hold my own Zumba class at a community center that is coming together, for the blessing of now having (a spanking awesome) somewhere to live come January, and for spur-of-the-moment friend movie nights. A lot of things came together today, and for that I am thankful!

I'm officially going to Cubaaaaaa! Months of hoping, planning, setbacks, coordinating, emails, logistics, proposed date changes, actual date changes, applications, forms, flexibility, and patience later, it has come together. God is so good. My heart is so conflicted though because I just want to do 18 pirouettes, a little salsa sidestep, bust out some Brazilian samba, and do the reject (the jerk from the Bay Area), but I feel I cannot be truly excited upon excited until I board the plane from Miami to Havana simply because there have been so many complications up to this point. But, the travel agency got back to me this morning, we emailed back and forth rapid-fire so I could get all the appropriate forms scanned and sent in for approval, and upon receiving the not-so-direct "Here is the official group flight info from Miami to Havana, you'll want to get your connecting flights around these times,"aka you're officially going, email, off to purchase my already-researched flights I went.

But then my American Airlines login information was being fussy, the website locked me out of my account, and I got on the phone, humming through on-hold tunes. And I'm just so thankful for the representative who answered, as he seemed to be so content with his job. How refreshing. Those who get paid to make or take phone calls for a living probably take so much heat from impatient and frustrated people every single day. But Ed, with his sweet, Southern, middle-aged kind of cadence, talked me through every step, got all excited to comment "Purple Rain" when I confirmed that Minnetonka was my hometown, and even threw in a "cool beans" for good measure. I was touched by his warmth in what could have been just another job, and everything went smoothly from there. Actually, I wanted to just sit back and relax and bask in that "God is so good" moment after receiving the flight confirmation email, but I had to then tear through the kitchen, sliding around in my socks, to pack my lunch and take it to meet my boss!

Thankfully, my boss is also the reason I am able to go to Cuba. I am working for her as an assistant organizer, and our organization Witness for Peace, is how we are able to put together and go on this delegation for professional organizers. To Cuba. The country that has had a special relationship with the U.S. since the earliest years of our country and continues to mystify economists, political scientists, and your average person with opinions. The country that has been of special interest in my own studies, as I minored in Latin American Studies, took a seminar course devoted to Cuban politics, and dedicated a special focus on Cuba in my International Relations senior thesis on sustainable development in Latin America. I am so thankful to have this opportunity to learn from Cubans themselves, to add that piece to my still-limited understanding of our countries' complex relationship, and to see firsthand how Cubans are organizing in their own communities. Cuba made my morning.

But as I was trying to get out the door, another moment rather took the wind out of my sails. I can't share about other than to say in a snap it brought me back to that place where my soul just feels ugly. As if I'm just walking down the sidewalk with the corners of my mouth slightly upturned and there's a sinkhole in the pavement that I'm of course totally unprepared for and fall right into, smacking into whatever surface there is in those depths, and sitting up all disoriented and dirty. And I've been there before, I've wallowed in it, I've stewed in it, and I have freaked out in it. But I am also now able to recognize that is development from the me that used to pretend everything was okay all the time (minus general insecurity, impatience, perfectionism, etc.), where nothing could make me hurt (except empathy I felt for others - that sense has always captivated my soul, a desire to understand what others are going through, be there for them, and advocate for them without any of that weighing me down), nothing could make me cry, nothing could shake me, nothing could phase me. I could feel truly happy, but whatever else it was, it just was.

But that was not a healthy way to live, as any sort of negative feeling or emotion was not a real feel or emotion, but rather manifested itself in stress. As I mentioned in my Thanksgiving day post (you may want to read it if you want more context), my Sisters in college were such a blessing in helping me figure out how to have actual emotions. I value genuineness, perhaps above any virtue, because that is how I can trust, so my state of being before this development was always genuine, but genuinely lacking a capacity to feel hurt. Which in many respects, I took pride in. But it was also frightening to feel numb. Society tells me when X happens I should have Y reaction... It was disconcerting to not feel when and what I was being told I should. Anyways, I'm learning how to have feelings, for better and for worse (not or, and, at least for now).

I just thank God for imperfect progress. That I was at least able to respond with grace in the moment and then try to turn everything directly over to God. And that I could excuse myself after that moment to flip on the radio to reconnect to God through music. It took a couple of songs, maybe my heart wasn't ready yet, but then, "Well, everybody's got a story to tell, and everybody's got a wound to be healed, I want to believe there's beauty here... How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you God, I need you now." I am still not great at saying "God please take this." But that was exactly what I needed.

Still, one too many jabs at my vulnerability and, this may seem like a funny analogy, but I feel like I react like a hedgehog. One too many pokes and I curl up so as to only let my spikes be exposed. But that reaction is just dark. It is not my best self, and I am not proud of it. It's exhausting. I need to be able to sniff around and find the light. Or just let myself be vulnerable. Let myself be loved. Turn towards the light. Some days you have to work harder to find it than others, but light always conquers darkness. Darkness is merely absence of light, and the faintest light is always going to exist in more places than those where it is too dark to see your hand in front of your face.

I'm thankful for God's patience, and I thank God for blessing me with fellow human beings to put up with me and support me through all of this. We have fellow human beings so we can lean on each other. Our purpose is community, to be there for each other, and to bring out the best in each other. And today I'm thankful that I had people to share in both joys and rantings today because sometimes, we just need both. And then we are re-centered (hopefully).

Lastly, I give thanks for shiny and smooth dark chocolate-covered almonds and longjing (dragon well) green tea. That should just be standard in my life. Everyday thanksgiving for fair trade dark chocolate.

Today I'm so grateful to those who revitalized my love for dance;
Who were there for me to come out of my shell more in college, and who provided the opportunities for me to learn to try to follow without falling on my face in ballroom dance, as well as let out a little sass with Latin and hip-hop;
Who encouraged me through the process of wanting to find a way to keep dance in my life post-graduation;
Who said "Go for it!" when I threw out the idea of getting my Zumba instructor license to teach part-time (I'm going to get paid to dance and work out instead of figuring out how to pay for a gym membership? Yes please!);
Who let me use them or their classes as guinea pigs to test out choreography and just dancing in front of people this fall;
Who nudged me to cultivate my idea to hold a free Zumba class at my church to spread the Zumba love and to get a feel for teaching a full session. So many pieces fell into place today. Sound equipment worked. People came, on Thanksgiving weekend. And it seemed people enjoyed themselves! Which is the point - ignore the fact that you're trying to work out and dance party it up! Also, they put up with (and even enjoyed?) my ridiculous facial expressions. Awesome. And I'm seriously grateful for people who don't judge me when I'm wearing athletic clothes or dripping with sweat at church.

My church was instrumental in encouraging dance and creative expression when I was younger, but then I went through a really long self-conscious phase. I have always been weird and awkward, but now I'm comfortable enough in my own being to know and understand I am still weird, but I can let my weirdness and silliness show around more human beings! Long story short, it was only about two and a half years ago, in the end of my sophomore year at Carleton, that I realized I have so been missing this whole dance thing. And now silly-dancing with my friends is pretty much the best thing ever. I understand this is not true for everyone, but now, for me dancing is pure joy.

And I just thank God for accepting my respectable ridiculousness (as I've termed it) and for helping me prepare my heart to do something I love, dance, in front of others and even use it for good, to spread my love of Latin dance and encourage others to work out, get fit, and love the bodies and spirits God has given them too. Two years ago, I never would have thought I would find myself in the front of a classroom, much less dancing in front of people. But today, Zumba instructing is not petrifying, but merely a great challenge, requiring my love and strength, and worthy of my time and energy.

I am also thankful for the opportunity to see Mason Jennings in concert again, this time with Kevin Kling, phenomenal and hilarious story teller. A great mix of earthy and silly, adventurous and homey.

I'm thankful for just how much the neighborhood deli's chicken wild rice casserole can warm my whole body from the inside-out, especially since I'm having a hard time believing whatever frigid setting my house is at right now is actually an option on the thermostat.

I'm thankful my fingernails haven't broken off yet like they have every winter as the dropping temperatures typically turn them brittle. (My fingernails are not scary-long, if you are wondering. I keep them decently long for both beauty and functionality, and I love when they are strong and healthy).

And as I continue to get asked questions about my job situation and my future, as my beloved Carleton has sent me out into the world full of possibilities and paths for an International Relations major, the song that has kept me down-to-earth today reminds me of my call to serve others and repeats, "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I am in a place in my life where I am trying to find the best balance between working for others and paying the bills, and I am so blessed to not have to choose between the two, but find a sustainable mix. I am so fortunate that there are so many possible directions out there, but I must be conscientious of not getting caught up working more (more than my sanity can take, that is) or taking a certain job just so that I can be more materially comfortable. In whatever I do, whether it be part-time jobs, travels, grad school, or career, I want it to be tied to my values and ethics. Learning from others. Encouraging others. Serving others. Working in solidarity for justice. This process is daunting but exciting. I crave to spend my time doing good. Tackling issues of social justice is so challenging and rewarding, but at times it feels like swimming upstream. So I must also remember that spending time with people I love, devoting time to music and art, and feeling called to dance also keep me grounded and nourish me in ways that overflow to every other aspect of my life and help me be a better listener, worker, and follower.

Today I'm thankful for a glass of teeth-staining petite sirah and a dog for a foot warmer during dinner, for staying up late talking with my crazy aunt/road trip buddy, for excuses to chop herbs to test out her intense knives, and for opportunities to learn about different approaches to home-schooling and have conversations about international travel broadening horizons at family gatherings.

I've been fortunate to be able to travel a bit in my life so far and especially at this point, I have tried to prioritize seeing more of this country and this world to see and understand more of God's children and God's creation. And I know that I have been lucky enough to have some opportunities fall into my lap, and that one way or another, I have been able to make the funding work, but I have been blessed in that regard. I also am faced with the challenge of navigating that topic in conversations with family members who may have never gotten out of the Midwest or who have humbly and hardily worked their entire lives. How do I explain that my desire to travel has nothing to do with vacationing in a ritzy hotel (no judgment on those who prefer the tropical vacation-type trip), but has everything to do with what I want to do the rest of my life? That I'm not just doing this because I can't find a job or don't want to work, but that I am so lucky to have a fleeting time span of flexibility to see, do, and experience while I can so I have a better sense of how I can work for our brothers and sisters around the world when I do come back? That I wanted to go to Nicaragua this summer not for the apparently amazing surfing, but to live in a humble community and live with the people, so that I better understand how to advocate for just foreign, trade, and immigration policy on the U.S. side?

Especially when my well-intentioned parents also try to explain what I have been doing since I graduated and want to make it sound like I haven't just been frittering away my time and my college degree, it can be hard to have those conversations with family when they ask "What have you been up to since you graduated? Are you working?" without sounding like I am boasting about my travels. I do apologize if it ever comes across that way. I know that some people just don't get why I want to travel or that it can come across as a privilege. Which it is. It is a privilege to be able to travel as much as I have already. But I just never know when the convergence of opportunity, funding, and time will disappear. So for now, I'm so unbelievably grateful for supportive family, for beds and couches to crash on, for the savings having not run out just yet, and for continued energy to go out and see the world now to be able to better advocate for our common humanity for the rest of my life.

I'm also thankful for my papa's driving and naps in the car. And that we came back to a light dusting of snow. And for multi-tasking with busy work and the wonderful wit of Arrested Development.

Today I am thankful for white-streaked blue skies that stretch all the way down to the horizon of actual earth. Actual earth. And trees. And maybe a steeple somewhere and a farmhouse somewhere else. No developments or skyscrapers to be seen. Or people really, for that matter. Just the ones you want to see on purpose. That would be my only reason to end up in rural Iowa - family.

I'm thankful for gusts and gravel roads that prepare my driving reflexes for the wheels to spin out on Minnesota ice in a couple of months.

I'm thankful for balanced Thanksgiving meals of half real food and half desserts, two hours of playing volleyball with the little kids and then basketball with the bigger kids (this distinction definitely includes uncles and aunts... "barn ball" is the best!), and "Are you eating to exercise or exercising to eat?" - "Both!"

I'm thankful for the little jingle that comes from my aunt's snazzy new fridge that kinda makes you want to do a happy dance when it is done auto-filling your water glass. 

And today, I'm thankful to just.... relax.... I can't ignore responsibilities for long, and work never really goes away, but I'm lucky I do not have to go anywhere or be anywhere to work today. For now, it's time for bumming by watching basketball with my bros, aka my dad and uncle :-)

Thanksgiving for Today, Thanksgiving for Always

Happy Thanksgiving, all! Here are some of the people and thoughts I have on my mind this Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for having someplace homey to go, loving people to be with, comforting traditions, and an intense amount of food to eat this Thanksgiving. Not everyone is as lucky. Many are without food. Many are without family members. Many are without peace and love, so if you have even a slice of love in your life (or a slice of pumpkin pie!), let's share it :-)

I guess my main thank-you today is to just say thank you, God, for the loved ones who are with me in spirit but not in person this Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for the Sisters I made as a part of my Forge group at Carleton (and now the five of us are spread all over the country and the world!), from whom I truly learned how to pray even though words are not my forte, how to be strong through vulnerability (I don't have to always be 100% put together all the time? What?!), how to turn over my worries and insecurities and frustrations and impatience over to God, how to not sweat the small stuff, and how to not stew over the big stuff. And they know I'm not perfect. They know that I still have a lot more to learn. They know I'll still mess up and make old mistakes again. It was through their friendship, fellowship, and encouragement that I started to know that sense of joy that is a more fundamental and lasting state than momentary happiness. It was with them that I worked up the confidence to let God's words flow through me, God's healing messages touch me, God's gifts shine through me.

It was through their openness that I learned I could be open too, that I could start to take down some of the barriers I had put up to be there for others but also to avoid all the hurt in my own life. I had long joked about defective tear ducts, as I grew up wanting to be strong for others, to be others' rock, and seeing crying as a sign of weakness. It was in their arms that I could cry for the first time. Not just the first time in front of other human beings, but period (not counting that time in first grade when I was told I had an overdue library book and was so scared that I had done something wrong). I still do not want to have emotions sometimes or know what to do with them when I have them, but it was through their wisdom that I began to understand sometimes we need to admit we are or parts of us are broken so that we allow ourselves to be remade a stronger whole.

I'm thankful that the first time I cried for real in public, I was sandwiched in between two tennis teammates in the ice bath in the training room after practice. I was in a bit of an awkward spot, but I got the call from my papa to find out that my grandmother had passed away. I sat there literally frozen (the water was about 38 degrees... baby it hurts so good!), but my heart was thawed by both loss and love. I will get to be with her sons and daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren to celebrate Thanksgiving. 

I'm thankful that the second time I cried in public, I could sit down in Mustard Seed, and I had a hand on my back that next second from one of my Sisters. Which of course only made me cry even more. I had just lost my other grandmother a couple of weeks prior, just under a year after the first. She came to me in a song during the service and just so clearly said, "I love you and miss you." I wear her ring with our shared birthstone every day and think of her.

I'm thankful for technology to be able to connect with other people I love who I don't get to see in person these days or this day in particular, whether studying abroad, returned home for the holidays, or in foreign lands that I have visited and do not know when I'll return to.

Take care, God bless, and give thanks.

Today I'm thankful for one of my Christian sisters calling out of the blue yesterday just to talk life, work, family, social justice.

I'm thankful for realizing with a friend whom I've known since we were three just how much we have grown, and just starting to learn about each other how we have grown spiritually.

I'm thankful for waking up sore, knowing I worked out well yesterday.

I'm thankful for smooth sailing on the highways during what should have been rush hour this morning, especially after running out the door late.

I'm thankful for flip-flop weather to go on a walk with my mama and down-time to play ping-pong with my papa.

I'm thankful for ridiculously helpful customer service in multiple instances, from the unexpected help on the phone with financial advice when all I intended to do was reset my password, to multiple people at Target and Best Buy going out of their way to make sure I found what I needed.

Lyrics I want to do better living by: "Let my life be the proof of your love."

Love Strong

Today I am thankful for the perfect lyrics to wake up to. "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise." As if God was saying I'm onto something, knowing I want to commit to those words. Music is just such a wonderful way to connect with the Spirit, whether I'm rejoicing in my own compilation of silly salsa/reggaeton to "Un Mes," rocking out to Switchfoot, or pretending I have a west coast partner literally whenever I hear tobyMac (it's really a huge problem when I'm driving...). Different genres touch my soul in different ways, but as I'm coming into my own and finding it so much easier to be moved to dance like David, it's still amazing to hear God's voice through lyrics at just the right moment every once in a while. Yay God!

Today, I welcome you to my motto on life. Not just live strong, but love strong. I started this blog because I want to be more intentional about recognizing beauty and blessings in my life every single day. I'm thankful also for being born with a nature that is easily fulfilled by simple pleasures such as quality time with the people I love that sends me into a fit of slap-happiness, a song like "10,000 Reasons" that just washes over my soul whenever I hear it, and wonders of nature like the ring of miniature blossoms within the heart of a zinnia. But I also struggle daily with human beings and how we hurt one another, with giant theological questions, and with my own reactions when confronted with challenges. 

Still, I know that love and strength come straight from God. Some days I just have too many questions, feel so far from God, or get subsumed by the torrent of expectations, but I seek to respond every situation with God's love and strength and thank God every day for the opportunities, relationships, and other ways God has blessed my life and restores my faith in humanity and creation.

My first challenge comes to you all in the poem that somehow flowed out of me during my freshman year at Carleton College as I walked up the stairs in the Rec Center. I would like to note I have rare, rare (seriously) moments of brilliance, as if something that has been rolling around in my head for hours, days, or weeks just appears perfectly concise, as if it were that simple all along, I had just been trying too hard to figure it all out myself, rather than being patient and waiting for it to become clear. Anyways, when one of these moments hits, I truly have to stop everything and write it down (or in this case type on my phone) because the most commonsensical phrasing will just stampede out of my fingertips without any say from my brain it seems. And if I don't preserve how those words come to me in that instant, they will be lost.

Much of the time these smatterings of thought will appear in the form of a single line that just boils down everything I had been thinking and experiencing, and you, my dear readers, will probably see a few of those one-liners throughout this blog. Maybe you will find them a whole lot less inspiring, or perhaps you have figured these things out long ago, or maybe you just think I am crazy, but all I can say is that I am thankful to God every day for the people, the splendor, the experiences, and the truly random moments of clarity that help make sense of it all. And when life just does not make sense, that is where I am learning to just trust God and keep my eyes, ears, and heart open for the Spirit so that I can best serve how I am called to serve and give love as I am called to give love. So, here is a slice of my writing from 2009.

I am a human being.

I am a person.

Am I a good person?

I try.

Do I succeed?

Whose expectations do I fail?

My parents’?

My friends’?

My boyfriend’s?

My teachers’?

My classmates’?

My coworkers’?

My own?

Do I deserve what I have?

Probably not.

Am I better than I think?

We probably all can be better than we think.

Everybody is at least somewhat delusional.

I can do more.

Be more.

Be strong more.

Be sensitive more.

Love more.

Is it worth it?

If we all did more,

Were strong more,

Were sensitive more,

Loved more,

It would be.

Ahh, the trials of collective action…

Who begins the cycle of loving more?

Anybody could.

Why not you?

Why not me?

  
I am trying to choose to be thankful every day. I have to wake up every day and ask myself, "How am I going to be more of the person God created me to be and wants me to be?" Some days I do a better job of being that person than others. The only behavior you can control is your own. We should be kind, good, and just towards others and expect nothing in return. The foundation of your being should be selflessness, and an added bonus is extra kindness in return.

We are called to love one another first and foremost. We don’t get to judge others based on their life experiences, their choices, or who they are. I believe we are called to show everybody love and grace, and not in a holier-than-thou way, but following Christ’s example of humility. It is not easy, but it is worth it.

Today I am thankful for time to rekindle friendships, time to type furiously, and time to create meticulously yet freely.

It perhaps took me a bit longer than it should have, or perhaps I spent way more time on it than I should have, but perfecting the clip-art-like image of the cross within the heart was my most gratifying project today. I may have shirked a few other items on my to-do list, but why do today what you can roll over to tomorrow? As I may have mentioned, long-term or sans-deadline projects are not my forte, and I may take this attitude on too frequently, but after finishing my actual work, what really drove my productivity today was this seemingly simple symbol.

My friends and family may have seen something similar floating around in my life in the past few months as a small reminder on my wrist with a large backstory. I grew a lot in my time at Carleton, and I owe much of that growth to finding an anchor in the Mustard Seed community. I entered as a freshman, feeling like the odd duck, shy, awkward, questioning, searching. By senior year, I was so much more secure in my faith and the never-ending quest to better understand God's grace and love, and I was able to fully invest in the community as I felt called to with my God-given time and talents. I had developed my own personal faith that could now exist independently of my home church community that I am still very much tied to and challenged by. After graduation in June, I worried I would slip backwards, fall from my trust in God, let myself become unglued at the simplest things like I used to, and lose the sense of peace I felt I could so easily regain, despite all the craziness of academic intensity, simply because of the power of that community. And to a certain extent, that happened because my Forge sisters ended up spread across the country and now across the world, and because I did not want to slip back into old habits and frustrations, I did not sit still for long. I ran to places and people that helped me heal perhaps without even knowing it. 

But what took me a while was the realization that I simply needed to get better at seeking, finding, and reconnecting with God wherever I am, namely in returning to the people and places a little more absent from my Carleton years. I am still finding it hard to feel like I have grown so much, learned so much, and experienced so much and wonder where in the world the product of this process disappears to sometimes! I have been transformed by God's grace, and I would like to think that is evident in how I treat others, what I value, and how I spend my time on this earth. But what happens when progress doesn't line up with the expectations from old relationships and patterns? Mess. That's how it feels sometimes anyways.

As I was navigating the beginnings of post-grad life, I was so thankful to have some funds saved up, a summer job through Skype, and people to visit. I was also dealing with the stress of "imperfect progress" (Unglued's term for what I called "mess") by my traditional non-confrontational modus operandi of not dealing with it. I have understood this conceptually for a while, but though I think it was the healthiest decision to hit the road and visit lots of friends and family around the Midwest this summer and do a lot of introspecting in those hours alone in my baby Civic, I still had not put in the work to make patience and love my default response to confrontation and challenge in old relationships. 

Still, I found myself filled by these adventures, perhaps finding God through intentional wandering. What I still needed was this cup to overflow into my past that is still present, and overflow enough to move the currents in my life that have just felt stuck. And the experience that I keep coming back to that just nourished me in so many ways was helping chaperone my church's youth group trip to León, Nicaragua (if you're interested in more stories, here's my travel blog, kemstravels.blogspot.com). There, I was no longer stuck. I was a sponge. I could truly just be the me that could take in everything. History, culture, hard work, art, dance, music, nature, family. God. My heart was refocused on the concept of sacrificial love. And as I was there, one day, I can't really explain it, but I ended up taking a pen to my left hand. Not to scribble a reminder on the back of it as I do when my hand a bit more accessible than my planner or my phone to type into, but to trace this small heart with a slight curve at the tip, connected and completed by a cross in the center on the inside of my wrist. Somehow, no matter how I contorted my wrist, it was still recognizable. The drawn lines followed its curves and creases and just melted into my flesh.

And there it was, a perfect symbol for sacrificial love. How God so loved the world, how God so loves the world every day, and how we are to devote our lives and follow.

Sacrificial love. To be ready to drop everything for a phone call from a friend who needs you that second. To be ready to lay down your life out of love. To choose to be chiseled and remade a little more every day in God's image - active choice to respond to old habits, temptations, and challenges with as much grace and love as you can.

These days, I continue to draw a crossed heart on my wrist. And after my Nicaragua trip, I also was given a beautiful silver pendant by someone dear to me who I had told about my drawing but who had never seen it. The pendant was just spot-on. Even more amazing is that as I google image searched for a suitable picture to possibly use on this blog, for the pages upon pages, not a single one matched my pendant gift. Yet if I were to have shopped among those multitudes and include mine, I would have picked out the one I have been given. It is perfect.

For now, my necklace will remain around my neck for peace and comfort. But I've gotten a couple questions about why I have this on my wrist, is it a real tattoo, etc. While I would not want a tattoo because of its permanence, the funny thing is that I think it would actually detract from its meaning to me if it were permanent. It is there and I look at it often, but it also fades and bleeds. Each time I take out my pen to touch up a curve one day or draw it anew the next, I am making that choice and intentionally reminding myself of its importance. And each day I see it on this blog, I hope it reminds me, if not you all as well, to love and to serve.

On a random final note, the song that struck me today: "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" by Fernando Ortega. Absolutely beautiful for piano and guitar, and it has been running through my head all day. Hoping my momma and I can work up a duet of some sort!

So, what in the world is a "blessings blog"? In all truthfulness, I don't myself know. I think I have been searching for a method to be more systematic about recognizing the blessings in my life each day, perhaps not commentating as I notice them throughout the day to the nearest set of ears or burying myself in a journal (which I have tried for many years but put too much pressure on myself to record and forget to experience), but letting my mind and heart rest peacefully at the end of the day with the weightlessness of God's grace. 

Thanksgiving's imminence actually catalyzed this endeavor as I decided to post on Facebook each day of Thanksgiving week with a daily status of things I was thankful for. All originating from today, as I coasted down the highway, realizing, holy wow, it's November in Minnesota and I'm warm in my jacket?! "Today I am thankful for driving with the sunroof open and hearing '10,000 Reasons' on this glorious November afternoon," I posted. Day one of thanksgiving for Thanksgiving, check. 

But the first spark of this project was one of the assignments in an online bible study I did with the book Unglued by Lisa TerKeurst. The bible study challenged its followers to better understand what makes us come "unglued" and recognize how "God gave us emotions to experience life, not destroy it!" (Here's a plug: you can purchase the book here - I would recommend it!) One night, our homework was to make a list of everything we were thankful for that day. Even if you do not write your list down, simply intentionally seeking the beauty, fortune, opportunity, and love you saw and received that day is an incredible process. 

Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and the I-should-really-write-these-things-down-every-day thread had wormed its way back to the front of my consciousness. Maybe I'll just make a new journal. But good luck with that, I thought, considering how many quarter-filled journals occupy a shelf in my closet because the cover or a particularly pivotal time in my life got me all jazzed about journaling again. I wanted something more sustainable, a longer-term spirit of gratefulness that really should last beyond a holiday prayer and enter our daily being. I will do my best to post each day with gratitude for the blessings I have received, and there maybe even some bonus thoughts and reflections. As the song on shuffle while I write has tobyMac asking me, "If you gotta start sometime, why not now?", tonight is the night. I know it is not the day of official Thanksgiving, but the writing bug has caught hold and isn't letting go just yet.