Blessings Blog

I'm officially going to Cubaaaaaa! Months of hoping, planning, setbacks, coordinating, emails, logistics, proposed date changes, actual date changes, applications, forms, flexibility, and patience later, it has come together. God is so good. My heart is so conflicted though because I just want to do 18 pirouettes, a little salsa sidestep, bust out some Brazilian samba, and do the reject (the jerk from the Bay Area), but I feel I cannot be truly excited upon excited until I board the plane from Miami to Havana simply because there have been so many complications up to this point. But, the travel agency got back to me this morning, we emailed back and forth rapid-fire so I could get all the appropriate forms scanned and sent in for approval, and upon receiving the not-so-direct "Here is the official group flight info from Miami to Havana, you'll want to get your connecting flights around these times,"aka you're officially going, email, off to purchase my already-researched flights I went.

But then my American Airlines login information was being fussy, the website locked me out of my account, and I got on the phone, humming through on-hold tunes. And I'm just so thankful for the representative who answered, as he seemed to be so content with his job. How refreshing. Those who get paid to make or take phone calls for a living probably take so much heat from impatient and frustrated people every single day. But Ed, with his sweet, Southern, middle-aged kind of cadence, talked me through every step, got all excited to comment "Purple Rain" when I confirmed that Minnetonka was my hometown, and even threw in a "cool beans" for good measure. I was touched by his warmth in what could have been just another job, and everything went smoothly from there. Actually, I wanted to just sit back and relax and bask in that "God is so good" moment after receiving the flight confirmation email, but I had to then tear through the kitchen, sliding around in my socks, to pack my lunch and take it to meet my boss!

Thankfully, my boss is also the reason I am able to go to Cuba. I am working for her as an assistant organizer, and our organization Witness for Peace, is how we are able to put together and go on this delegation for professional organizers. To Cuba. The country that has had a special relationship with the U.S. since the earliest years of our country and continues to mystify economists, political scientists, and your average person with opinions. The country that has been of special interest in my own studies, as I minored in Latin American Studies, took a seminar course devoted to Cuban politics, and dedicated a special focus on Cuba in my International Relations senior thesis on sustainable development in Latin America. I am so thankful to have this opportunity to learn from Cubans themselves, to add that piece to my still-limited understanding of our countries' complex relationship, and to see firsthand how Cubans are organizing in their own communities. Cuba made my morning.

But as I was trying to get out the door, another moment rather took the wind out of my sails. I can't share about other than to say in a snap it brought me back to that place where my soul just feels ugly. As if I'm just walking down the sidewalk with the corners of my mouth slightly upturned and there's a sinkhole in the pavement that I'm of course totally unprepared for and fall right into, smacking into whatever surface there is in those depths, and sitting up all disoriented and dirty. And I've been there before, I've wallowed in it, I've stewed in it, and I have freaked out in it. But I am also now able to recognize that is development from the me that used to pretend everything was okay all the time (minus general insecurity, impatience, perfectionism, etc.), where nothing could make me hurt (except empathy I felt for others - that sense has always captivated my soul, a desire to understand what others are going through, be there for them, and advocate for them without any of that weighing me down), nothing could make me cry, nothing could shake me, nothing could phase me. I could feel truly happy, but whatever else it was, it just was.

But that was not a healthy way to live, as any sort of negative feeling or emotion was not a real feel or emotion, but rather manifested itself in stress. As I mentioned in my Thanksgiving day post (you may want to read it if you want more context), my Sisters in college were such a blessing in helping me figure out how to have actual emotions. I value genuineness, perhaps above any virtue, because that is how I can trust, so my state of being before this development was always genuine, but genuinely lacking a capacity to feel hurt. Which in many respects, I took pride in. But it was also frightening to feel numb. Society tells me when X happens I should have Y reaction... It was disconcerting to not feel when and what I was being told I should. Anyways, I'm learning how to have feelings, for better and for worse (not or, and, at least for now).

I just thank God for imperfect progress. That I was at least able to respond with grace in the moment and then try to turn everything directly over to God. And that I could excuse myself after that moment to flip on the radio to reconnect to God through music. It took a couple of songs, maybe my heart wasn't ready yet, but then, "Well, everybody's got a story to tell, and everybody's got a wound to be healed, I want to believe there's beauty here... How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you God, I need you now." I am still not great at saying "God please take this." But that was exactly what I needed.

Still, one too many jabs at my vulnerability and, this may seem like a funny analogy, but I feel like I react like a hedgehog. One too many pokes and I curl up so as to only let my spikes be exposed. But that reaction is just dark. It is not my best self, and I am not proud of it. It's exhausting. I need to be able to sniff around and find the light. Or just let myself be vulnerable. Let myself be loved. Turn towards the light. Some days you have to work harder to find it than others, but light always conquers darkness. Darkness is merely absence of light, and the faintest light is always going to exist in more places than those where it is too dark to see your hand in front of your face.

I'm thankful for God's patience, and I thank God for blessing me with fellow human beings to put up with me and support me through all of this. We have fellow human beings so we can lean on each other. Our purpose is community, to be there for each other, and to bring out the best in each other. And today I'm thankful that I had people to share in both joys and rantings today because sometimes, we just need both. And then we are re-centered (hopefully).

Lastly, I give thanks for shiny and smooth dark chocolate-covered almonds and longjing (dragon well) green tea. That should just be standard in my life. Everyday thanksgiving for fair trade dark chocolate.