Today was a bit of a challenge, energy-wise. On Wednesdays, I now have to be perky at 8:30am. Not just to be up and moving or pretending to pay attention in a class, but teaching a Zumba class. Which is not as bad as 6am workouts like my tennis team had weekly last year, but I'm still "learning to be the light!" I have the opportunity to get others excited about Zumba, excited about dance, and excited about feeling healthy. And I'm still learning how to get on a decent sleep schedule to survive the winter. I'm learning.
I'm also learning how to find a healthy balance with the food component of the whole energy concept. Some bodies feel like they will reject all food if they eat right before working out, while mine will make me pass out if I do not eat enough beforehand. And when I am exaggerating moves so my class can follow along, I am getting a great workout, which I am so thankful for, but I am struggling to balance getting enough protein, nutrition, etc. in my system and the knowledge that I also need to get a little lighter. I have been blessed with too much wonderful food the last few months, and with wanting to live up local cuisine while traveling, I am not where I want to be fitness-wise. And I can tell. And I am sure my family can tell, whether they say anything about it or not. And I may struggle internally 1000 percent more than I let on, which is why the little side-comments or even pointed comments are even harsher (albeit well-intentioned) because they do not know how much I think about it every single day, every meal, every snack, every workout.
I am not the first, nor will I be the last, girl (or human in general) to struggle with some body image issues. I am learning how to embrace the body God has given me as well as the metabolism that no longer lets me eat whatever I want. While I was a varsity athlete in college, I put so much pressure on myself to stay in shape because it was crucial to top performance. I could tell five extra pounds would slow me down, and so I put a bit of pressure on myself that would make me go a little crazy sometimes. Like the guilt you see in TV commercials after indulging in my favorite dessert ever, chocolate torte.
I have been liberated from the strict confines of my sport that I set for myself and also to be an example of fitness for the rest of my team. In tennis, when you can get to that extra ball and keep the point going, or if you can outlast your opponent's stamina in a four-hour match, you have a distinct advantage. But now I am so thankful that I am getting paid to work out and help spread Zumba joy! And my health and my fitness are fully mine to take care of, and my health goals, my motivation, the way I eat, and the way I exercise will be with me the rest of my life. They are only my decisions to make, and I need strength to make good decisions, but also to find God's peace and do the best that I can. Not to prove anything to anyone other than myself. Not to reach some superficial ideal of a body. But to feel healthy and confident in myself and in the body that God has given me for this limited time.
I just wanted to put this out there for whoever is reading because maybe you are also in the same boat and are trying to be mindful of how you are taking care of yourself and accepting the body that you have. I am putting this out there that I have struggled over the years since I have grown into a body that is no longer a stick: I needed some muscle, but with putting on a little muscle came a little more squish than I would prefer also. I have probably joked about it with a good number of friends, but I have divulged my battles to few. I have tried to encourage many a friend to do their best to find peace in their bodies and have "happy and healthy" be their goal, but I need to remember that for myself as well. Again, I'm learning.
On other notes, I am thankful to have deposited my first being-in-Northfield paycheck, to get to use up a Subway gift card for a lovely lunch date and talk about faith/futures/writing personalities/life, run into another classmate who is randomly here for a few months, and to try to relearn ballroom dance at Social Dance Club!
Here's to a new day tomorrow: a day to get things done, a day of rest for my legs, and a day to hopefully focus on my writing to continue processing my Cuba experience and let knowledge abound.
No comments:
Post a Comment