Happy Friday, all! 

Today I'm thankful for awesome dentists who have been nothing but helpful in my tooth saga, for adorable children eating donuts and getting sprinkles all over their faces, and for coming out of Target with everything I needed to buy and nothing I didn't need.

Also for this cuteness-overload photo my momma emailed me from when she washed a few teddy bears:

And for the opportunity to take one of my good high school friends out to a cooking class to belatedly celebrate her birthday! Foodies' paradise. I'm fortunate to have enough to eat every day and to be able to enjoy learning how to prepare it a little bit better!

"Forgive and forget, but don't forget why you're here"

Today I'm thankful that I was not in a time crunch when my work email draft disappeared into thin cyber-air. And I'm so thankful for copy and paste and a bit of short-term memory, as well as for autosave features in actual email platforms.

I'm thankful for hearing from and being re-inspired by old mentors.

Even though I would prefer to be in the tropicalia of Rio right now, purchasing an iced açaí at a juice bar for dinner and going out salsa dancing late, I praise God for rediscovering-old-worn-fuzzy-sweatshirt season.

I'm thankful that I (just like any of you) can make a difference in my political system. As much of a cynic as I can be, and as messed up as our system can be, I am grateful to have been able to talk to senators' trade staffers yesterday and see tangible progress and commitment after following up with them today. Personal conversations do matter, and you can call your legislators. If they are conflicted on an issue or need to know more about it, they may just want to hear their constituents care! They are supposed to represent us, after all.

I'm thankful that cleaning can include photo albuming (gotta do something with those stacks of photos that have been taking up floor space for hmm.... months?)!

I'm thankful for schotcheroos my aunt sent home with us from Thanksgiving. Despite the fact that they also represent a challenge to my fitness commitments.

And lastly, I've been blessed today by talking through some of the difficulties of this transition period today with my mama. We got to have the "You're not perfect, and neither am I" conversation. God calls us to be patient in love, which we can be so quick to forget with the ones with whom we spend much of our time, holding them to a higher standard than others. We are all shaped by our different natures, gifts, and experiences and therefore may react differently to challenges. We are human, and diversity is a part of that, even within blood relationships. But we are all trying to figure this whole life thing out, which is a gift and a curse, and we can all use a little more understanding. Especially in close quarters. Or you'll go crazy. But in all seriousness, we are not meant to understand each other all the time, and we are definitely not meant to agree with each other all the time. But we must try to see common humanity in each other, and in that common humanity, accept and forgive imperfection.

Today, I'm so thankful to have found my perfect place to move into in January so that I can be closer to Carls I love who still haven't graduated.

I'm thankful that my modes of generating income are also falling into place to be sustainable and gain good life experience.

I'm thankful that I can picture my new room in a gorgeous white-walled, light-wooded house to fuel my much-needed cleaning and packing frenzy.

I'm thankful for catching up with one of my college besties, knowing even if we go for a while without talking, we'll still be friends forever. Planning visits and international travels is also the best. Thank you God for bringing her into my life!

And I'm thankful to have been so filled today, that even as it's getting rather late, I still have the energy to run off and go do Zumba!

Until tomorrow, dearest readers. Sweet dreams.

Today I'm thankful for ridiculous late night Portenglish (the confluence of Portuguese and English doesn't quite have the same zazz as Spanglish or Chinglish, now does it?) conversations on Facebook that span two different countries and three different cities encompassing inside jokes from shared experiences in Brazil mais bonita.

I'm thankful for the two minutes it took me to pull a Uey, park in the shoulder, and walk back toward the end of the ramp on Exit 69 (Oh Carleton, my alma mater...) with a bag of food for the homeless vet camped with his sign, as another man who I guess had been driving right behind me had the same idea and was just a bit quicker to pull over. I hope the man now had enough for two meals, and I'm so grateful I'm not the only one doing this, that there are others out there trying to look out for the meekest of the meek. We may have not fixed anything, and we did not end homelessness for this man or in general, but we did what we could to try to alleviate his hunger. I hope he knows that he is not alone and is encouraged, just as I have been encouraged by another person taking the two minutes to try to meet a need.

I'm thankful for the sweet smell of Malt-o-Meal rounding the curve past St. Olaf, for meeting with a professor who wears many hats including both boss and friend, for the opportunity to hold my own Zumba class at a community center that is coming together, for the blessing of now having (a spanking awesome) somewhere to live come January, and for spur-of-the-moment friend movie nights. A lot of things came together today, and for that I am thankful!

I'm officially going to Cubaaaaaa! Months of hoping, planning, setbacks, coordinating, emails, logistics, proposed date changes, actual date changes, applications, forms, flexibility, and patience later, it has come together. God is so good. My heart is so conflicted though because I just want to do 18 pirouettes, a little salsa sidestep, bust out some Brazilian samba, and do the reject (the jerk from the Bay Area), but I feel I cannot be truly excited upon excited until I board the plane from Miami to Havana simply because there have been so many complications up to this point. But, the travel agency got back to me this morning, we emailed back and forth rapid-fire so I could get all the appropriate forms scanned and sent in for approval, and upon receiving the not-so-direct "Here is the official group flight info from Miami to Havana, you'll want to get your connecting flights around these times,"aka you're officially going, email, off to purchase my already-researched flights I went.

But then my American Airlines login information was being fussy, the website locked me out of my account, and I got on the phone, humming through on-hold tunes. And I'm just so thankful for the representative who answered, as he seemed to be so content with his job. How refreshing. Those who get paid to make or take phone calls for a living probably take so much heat from impatient and frustrated people every single day. But Ed, with his sweet, Southern, middle-aged kind of cadence, talked me through every step, got all excited to comment "Purple Rain" when I confirmed that Minnetonka was my hometown, and even threw in a "cool beans" for good measure. I was touched by his warmth in what could have been just another job, and everything went smoothly from there. Actually, I wanted to just sit back and relax and bask in that "God is so good" moment after receiving the flight confirmation email, but I had to then tear through the kitchen, sliding around in my socks, to pack my lunch and take it to meet my boss!

Thankfully, my boss is also the reason I am able to go to Cuba. I am working for her as an assistant organizer, and our organization Witness for Peace, is how we are able to put together and go on this delegation for professional organizers. To Cuba. The country that has had a special relationship with the U.S. since the earliest years of our country and continues to mystify economists, political scientists, and your average person with opinions. The country that has been of special interest in my own studies, as I minored in Latin American Studies, took a seminar course devoted to Cuban politics, and dedicated a special focus on Cuba in my International Relations senior thesis on sustainable development in Latin America. I am so thankful to have this opportunity to learn from Cubans themselves, to add that piece to my still-limited understanding of our countries' complex relationship, and to see firsthand how Cubans are organizing in their own communities. Cuba made my morning.

But as I was trying to get out the door, another moment rather took the wind out of my sails. I can't share about other than to say in a snap it brought me back to that place where my soul just feels ugly. As if I'm just walking down the sidewalk with the corners of my mouth slightly upturned and there's a sinkhole in the pavement that I'm of course totally unprepared for and fall right into, smacking into whatever surface there is in those depths, and sitting up all disoriented and dirty. And I've been there before, I've wallowed in it, I've stewed in it, and I have freaked out in it. But I am also now able to recognize that is development from the me that used to pretend everything was okay all the time (minus general insecurity, impatience, perfectionism, etc.), where nothing could make me hurt (except empathy I felt for others - that sense has always captivated my soul, a desire to understand what others are going through, be there for them, and advocate for them without any of that weighing me down), nothing could make me cry, nothing could shake me, nothing could phase me. I could feel truly happy, but whatever else it was, it just was.

But that was not a healthy way to live, as any sort of negative feeling or emotion was not a real feel or emotion, but rather manifested itself in stress. As I mentioned in my Thanksgiving day post (you may want to read it if you want more context), my Sisters in college were such a blessing in helping me figure out how to have actual emotions. I value genuineness, perhaps above any virtue, because that is how I can trust, so my state of being before this development was always genuine, but genuinely lacking a capacity to feel hurt. Which in many respects, I took pride in. But it was also frightening to feel numb. Society tells me when X happens I should have Y reaction... It was disconcerting to not feel when and what I was being told I should. Anyways, I'm learning how to have feelings, for better and for worse (not or, and, at least for now).

I just thank God for imperfect progress. That I was at least able to respond with grace in the moment and then try to turn everything directly over to God. And that I could excuse myself after that moment to flip on the radio to reconnect to God through music. It took a couple of songs, maybe my heart wasn't ready yet, but then, "Well, everybody's got a story to tell, and everybody's got a wound to be healed, I want to believe there's beauty here... How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you God, I need you now." I am still not great at saying "God please take this." But that was exactly what I needed.

Still, one too many jabs at my vulnerability and, this may seem like a funny analogy, but I feel like I react like a hedgehog. One too many pokes and I curl up so as to only let my spikes be exposed. But that reaction is just dark. It is not my best self, and I am not proud of it. It's exhausting. I need to be able to sniff around and find the light. Or just let myself be vulnerable. Let myself be loved. Turn towards the light. Some days you have to work harder to find it than others, but light always conquers darkness. Darkness is merely absence of light, and the faintest light is always going to exist in more places than those where it is too dark to see your hand in front of your face.

I'm thankful for God's patience, and I thank God for blessing me with fellow human beings to put up with me and support me through all of this. We have fellow human beings so we can lean on each other. Our purpose is community, to be there for each other, and to bring out the best in each other. And today I'm thankful that I had people to share in both joys and rantings today because sometimes, we just need both. And then we are re-centered (hopefully).

Lastly, I give thanks for shiny and smooth dark chocolate-covered almonds and longjing (dragon well) green tea. That should just be standard in my life. Everyday thanksgiving for fair trade dark chocolate.

Today I'm so grateful to those who revitalized my love for dance;
Who were there for me to come out of my shell more in college, and who provided the opportunities for me to learn to try to follow without falling on my face in ballroom dance, as well as let out a little sass with Latin and hip-hop;
Who encouraged me through the process of wanting to find a way to keep dance in my life post-graduation;
Who said "Go for it!" when I threw out the idea of getting my Zumba instructor license to teach part-time (I'm going to get paid to dance and work out instead of figuring out how to pay for a gym membership? Yes please!);
Who let me use them or their classes as guinea pigs to test out choreography and just dancing in front of people this fall;
Who nudged me to cultivate my idea to hold a free Zumba class at my church to spread the Zumba love and to get a feel for teaching a full session. So many pieces fell into place today. Sound equipment worked. People came, on Thanksgiving weekend. And it seemed people enjoyed themselves! Which is the point - ignore the fact that you're trying to work out and dance party it up! Also, they put up with (and even enjoyed?) my ridiculous facial expressions. Awesome. And I'm seriously grateful for people who don't judge me when I'm wearing athletic clothes or dripping with sweat at church.

My church was instrumental in encouraging dance and creative expression when I was younger, but then I went through a really long self-conscious phase. I have always been weird and awkward, but now I'm comfortable enough in my own being to know and understand I am still weird, but I can let my weirdness and silliness show around more human beings! Long story short, it was only about two and a half years ago, in the end of my sophomore year at Carleton, that I realized I have so been missing this whole dance thing. And now silly-dancing with my friends is pretty much the best thing ever. I understand this is not true for everyone, but now, for me dancing is pure joy.

And I just thank God for accepting my respectable ridiculousness (as I've termed it) and for helping me prepare my heart to do something I love, dance, in front of others and even use it for good, to spread my love of Latin dance and encourage others to work out, get fit, and love the bodies and spirits God has given them too. Two years ago, I never would have thought I would find myself in the front of a classroom, much less dancing in front of people. But today, Zumba instructing is not petrifying, but merely a great challenge, requiring my love and strength, and worthy of my time and energy.

I am also thankful for the opportunity to see Mason Jennings in concert again, this time with Kevin Kling, phenomenal and hilarious story teller. A great mix of earthy and silly, adventurous and homey.

I'm thankful for just how much the neighborhood deli's chicken wild rice casserole can warm my whole body from the inside-out, especially since I'm having a hard time believing whatever frigid setting my house is at right now is actually an option on the thermostat.

I'm thankful my fingernails haven't broken off yet like they have every winter as the dropping temperatures typically turn them brittle. (My fingernails are not scary-long, if you are wondering. I keep them decently long for both beauty and functionality, and I love when they are strong and healthy).

And as I continue to get asked questions about my job situation and my future, as my beloved Carleton has sent me out into the world full of possibilities and paths for an International Relations major, the song that has kept me down-to-earth today reminds me of my call to serve others and repeats, "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I am in a place in my life where I am trying to find the best balance between working for others and paying the bills, and I am so blessed to not have to choose between the two, but find a sustainable mix. I am so fortunate that there are so many possible directions out there, but I must be conscientious of not getting caught up working more (more than my sanity can take, that is) or taking a certain job just so that I can be more materially comfortable. In whatever I do, whether it be part-time jobs, travels, grad school, or career, I want it to be tied to my values and ethics. Learning from others. Encouraging others. Serving others. Working in solidarity for justice. This process is daunting but exciting. I crave to spend my time doing good. Tackling issues of social justice is so challenging and rewarding, but at times it feels like swimming upstream. So I must also remember that spending time with people I love, devoting time to music and art, and feeling called to dance also keep me grounded and nourish me in ways that overflow to every other aspect of my life and help me be a better listener, worker, and follower.

Today I'm thankful for a glass of teeth-staining petite sirah and a dog for a foot warmer during dinner, for staying up late talking with my crazy aunt/road trip buddy, for excuses to chop herbs to test out her intense knives, and for opportunities to learn about different approaches to home-schooling and have conversations about international travel broadening horizons at family gatherings.

I've been fortunate to be able to travel a bit in my life so far and especially at this point, I have tried to prioritize seeing more of this country and this world to see and understand more of God's children and God's creation. And I know that I have been lucky enough to have some opportunities fall into my lap, and that one way or another, I have been able to make the funding work, but I have been blessed in that regard. I also am faced with the challenge of navigating that topic in conversations with family members who may have never gotten out of the Midwest or who have humbly and hardily worked their entire lives. How do I explain that my desire to travel has nothing to do with vacationing in a ritzy hotel (no judgment on those who prefer the tropical vacation-type trip), but has everything to do with what I want to do the rest of my life? That I'm not just doing this because I can't find a job or don't want to work, but that I am so lucky to have a fleeting time span of flexibility to see, do, and experience while I can so I have a better sense of how I can work for our brothers and sisters around the world when I do come back? That I wanted to go to Nicaragua this summer not for the apparently amazing surfing, but to live in a humble community and live with the people, so that I better understand how to advocate for just foreign, trade, and immigration policy on the U.S. side?

Especially when my well-intentioned parents also try to explain what I have been doing since I graduated and want to make it sound like I haven't just been frittering away my time and my college degree, it can be hard to have those conversations with family when they ask "What have you been up to since you graduated? Are you working?" without sounding like I am boasting about my travels. I do apologize if it ever comes across that way. I know that some people just don't get why I want to travel or that it can come across as a privilege. Which it is. It is a privilege to be able to travel as much as I have already. But I just never know when the convergence of opportunity, funding, and time will disappear. So for now, I'm so unbelievably grateful for supportive family, for beds and couches to crash on, for the savings having not run out just yet, and for continued energy to go out and see the world now to be able to better advocate for our common humanity for the rest of my life.

I'm also thankful for my papa's driving and naps in the car. And that we came back to a light dusting of snow. And for multi-tasking with busy work and the wonderful wit of Arrested Development.

Today I am thankful for white-streaked blue skies that stretch all the way down to the horizon of actual earth. Actual earth. And trees. And maybe a steeple somewhere and a farmhouse somewhere else. No developments or skyscrapers to be seen. Or people really, for that matter. Just the ones you want to see on purpose. That would be my only reason to end up in rural Iowa - family.

I'm thankful for gusts and gravel roads that prepare my driving reflexes for the wheels to spin out on Minnesota ice in a couple of months.

I'm thankful for balanced Thanksgiving meals of half real food and half desserts, two hours of playing volleyball with the little kids and then basketball with the bigger kids (this distinction definitely includes uncles and aunts... "barn ball" is the best!), and "Are you eating to exercise or exercising to eat?" - "Both!"

I'm thankful for the little jingle that comes from my aunt's snazzy new fridge that kinda makes you want to do a happy dance when it is done auto-filling your water glass. 

And today, I'm thankful to just.... relax.... I can't ignore responsibilities for long, and work never really goes away, but I'm lucky I do not have to go anywhere or be anywhere to work today. For now, it's time for bumming by watching basketball with my bros, aka my dad and uncle :-)

Thanksgiving for Today, Thanksgiving for Always

Happy Thanksgiving, all! Here are some of the people and thoughts I have on my mind this Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for having someplace homey to go, loving people to be with, comforting traditions, and an intense amount of food to eat this Thanksgiving. Not everyone is as lucky. Many are without food. Many are without family members. Many are without peace and love, so if you have even a slice of love in your life (or a slice of pumpkin pie!), let's share it :-)

I guess my main thank-you today is to just say thank you, God, for the loved ones who are with me in spirit but not in person this Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for the Sisters I made as a part of my Forge group at Carleton (and now the five of us are spread all over the country and the world!), from whom I truly learned how to pray even though words are not my forte, how to be strong through vulnerability (I don't have to always be 100% put together all the time? What?!), how to turn over my worries and insecurities and frustrations and impatience over to God, how to not sweat the small stuff, and how to not stew over the big stuff. And they know I'm not perfect. They know that I still have a lot more to learn. They know I'll still mess up and make old mistakes again. It was through their friendship, fellowship, and encouragement that I started to know that sense of joy that is a more fundamental and lasting state than momentary happiness. It was with them that I worked up the confidence to let God's words flow through me, God's healing messages touch me, God's gifts shine through me.

It was through their openness that I learned I could be open too, that I could start to take down some of the barriers I had put up to be there for others but also to avoid all the hurt in my own life. I had long joked about defective tear ducts, as I grew up wanting to be strong for others, to be others' rock, and seeing crying as a sign of weakness. It was in their arms that I could cry for the first time. Not just the first time in front of other human beings, but period (not counting that time in first grade when I was told I had an overdue library book and was so scared that I had done something wrong). I still do not want to have emotions sometimes or know what to do with them when I have them, but it was through their wisdom that I began to understand sometimes we need to admit we are or parts of us are broken so that we allow ourselves to be remade a stronger whole.

I'm thankful that the first time I cried for real in public, I was sandwiched in between two tennis teammates in the ice bath in the training room after practice. I was in a bit of an awkward spot, but I got the call from my papa to find out that my grandmother had passed away. I sat there literally frozen (the water was about 38 degrees... baby it hurts so good!), but my heart was thawed by both loss and love. I will get to be with her sons and daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren to celebrate Thanksgiving. 

I'm thankful that the second time I cried in public, I could sit down in Mustard Seed, and I had a hand on my back that next second from one of my Sisters. Which of course only made me cry even more. I had just lost my other grandmother a couple of weeks prior, just under a year after the first. She came to me in a song during the service and just so clearly said, "I love you and miss you." I wear her ring with our shared birthstone every day and think of her.

I'm thankful for technology to be able to connect with other people I love who I don't get to see in person these days or this day in particular, whether studying abroad, returned home for the holidays, or in foreign lands that I have visited and do not know when I'll return to.

Take care, God bless, and give thanks.

Today I'm thankful for one of my Christian sisters calling out of the blue yesterday just to talk life, work, family, social justice.

I'm thankful for realizing with a friend whom I've known since we were three just how much we have grown, and just starting to learn about each other how we have grown spiritually.

I'm thankful for waking up sore, knowing I worked out well yesterday.

I'm thankful for smooth sailing on the highways during what should have been rush hour this morning, especially after running out the door late.

I'm thankful for flip-flop weather to go on a walk with my mama and down-time to play ping-pong with my papa.

I'm thankful for ridiculously helpful customer service in multiple instances, from the unexpected help on the phone with financial advice when all I intended to do was reset my password, to multiple people at Target and Best Buy going out of their way to make sure I found what I needed.

Lyrics I want to do better living by: "Let my life be the proof of your love."

Love Strong

Today I am thankful for the perfect lyrics to wake up to. "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise." As if God was saying I'm onto something, knowing I want to commit to those words. Music is just such a wonderful way to connect with the Spirit, whether I'm rejoicing in my own compilation of silly salsa/reggaeton to "Un Mes," rocking out to Switchfoot, or pretending I have a west coast partner literally whenever I hear tobyMac (it's really a huge problem when I'm driving...). Different genres touch my soul in different ways, but as I'm coming into my own and finding it so much easier to be moved to dance like David, it's still amazing to hear God's voice through lyrics at just the right moment every once in a while. Yay God!

Today, I welcome you to my motto on life. Not just live strong, but love strong. I started this blog because I want to be more intentional about recognizing beauty and blessings in my life every single day. I'm thankful also for being born with a nature that is easily fulfilled by simple pleasures such as quality time with the people I love that sends me into a fit of slap-happiness, a song like "10,000 Reasons" that just washes over my soul whenever I hear it, and wonders of nature like the ring of miniature blossoms within the heart of a zinnia. But I also struggle daily with human beings and how we hurt one another, with giant theological questions, and with my own reactions when confronted with challenges. 

Still, I know that love and strength come straight from God. Some days I just have too many questions, feel so far from God, or get subsumed by the torrent of expectations, but I seek to respond every situation with God's love and strength and thank God every day for the opportunities, relationships, and other ways God has blessed my life and restores my faith in humanity and creation.

My first challenge comes to you all in the poem that somehow flowed out of me during my freshman year at Carleton College as I walked up the stairs in the Rec Center. I would like to note I have rare, rare (seriously) moments of brilliance, as if something that has been rolling around in my head for hours, days, or weeks just appears perfectly concise, as if it were that simple all along, I had just been trying too hard to figure it all out myself, rather than being patient and waiting for it to become clear. Anyways, when one of these moments hits, I truly have to stop everything and write it down (or in this case type on my phone) because the most commonsensical phrasing will just stampede out of my fingertips without any say from my brain it seems. And if I don't preserve how those words come to me in that instant, they will be lost.

Much of the time these smatterings of thought will appear in the form of a single line that just boils down everything I had been thinking and experiencing, and you, my dear readers, will probably see a few of those one-liners throughout this blog. Maybe you will find them a whole lot less inspiring, or perhaps you have figured these things out long ago, or maybe you just think I am crazy, but all I can say is that I am thankful to God every day for the people, the splendor, the experiences, and the truly random moments of clarity that help make sense of it all. And when life just does not make sense, that is where I am learning to just trust God and keep my eyes, ears, and heart open for the Spirit so that I can best serve how I am called to serve and give love as I am called to give love. So, here is a slice of my writing from 2009.

I am a human being.

I am a person.

Am I a good person?

I try.

Do I succeed?

Whose expectations do I fail?

My parents’?

My friends’?

My boyfriend’s?

My teachers’?

My classmates’?

My coworkers’?

My own?

Do I deserve what I have?

Probably not.

Am I better than I think?

We probably all can be better than we think.

Everybody is at least somewhat delusional.

I can do more.

Be more.

Be strong more.

Be sensitive more.

Love more.

Is it worth it?

If we all did more,

Were strong more,

Were sensitive more,

Loved more,

It would be.

Ahh, the trials of collective action…

Who begins the cycle of loving more?

Anybody could.

Why not you?

Why not me?

  
I am trying to choose to be thankful every day. I have to wake up every day and ask myself, "How am I going to be more of the person God created me to be and wants me to be?" Some days I do a better job of being that person than others. The only behavior you can control is your own. We should be kind, good, and just towards others and expect nothing in return. The foundation of your being should be selflessness, and an added bonus is extra kindness in return.

We are called to love one another first and foremost. We don’t get to judge others based on their life experiences, their choices, or who they are. I believe we are called to show everybody love and grace, and not in a holier-than-thou way, but following Christ’s example of humility. It is not easy, but it is worth it.

Today I am thankful for time to rekindle friendships, time to type furiously, and time to create meticulously yet freely.

It perhaps took me a bit longer than it should have, or perhaps I spent way more time on it than I should have, but perfecting the clip-art-like image of the cross within the heart was my most gratifying project today. I may have shirked a few other items on my to-do list, but why do today what you can roll over to tomorrow? As I may have mentioned, long-term or sans-deadline projects are not my forte, and I may take this attitude on too frequently, but after finishing my actual work, what really drove my productivity today was this seemingly simple symbol.

My friends and family may have seen something similar floating around in my life in the past few months as a small reminder on my wrist with a large backstory. I grew a lot in my time at Carleton, and I owe much of that growth to finding an anchor in the Mustard Seed community. I entered as a freshman, feeling like the odd duck, shy, awkward, questioning, searching. By senior year, I was so much more secure in my faith and the never-ending quest to better understand God's grace and love, and I was able to fully invest in the community as I felt called to with my God-given time and talents. I had developed my own personal faith that could now exist independently of my home church community that I am still very much tied to and challenged by. After graduation in June, I worried I would slip backwards, fall from my trust in God, let myself become unglued at the simplest things like I used to, and lose the sense of peace I felt I could so easily regain, despite all the craziness of academic intensity, simply because of the power of that community. And to a certain extent, that happened because my Forge sisters ended up spread across the country and now across the world, and because I did not want to slip back into old habits and frustrations, I did not sit still for long. I ran to places and people that helped me heal perhaps without even knowing it. 

But what took me a while was the realization that I simply needed to get better at seeking, finding, and reconnecting with God wherever I am, namely in returning to the people and places a little more absent from my Carleton years. I am still finding it hard to feel like I have grown so much, learned so much, and experienced so much and wonder where in the world the product of this process disappears to sometimes! I have been transformed by God's grace, and I would like to think that is evident in how I treat others, what I value, and how I spend my time on this earth. But what happens when progress doesn't line up with the expectations from old relationships and patterns? Mess. That's how it feels sometimes anyways.

As I was navigating the beginnings of post-grad life, I was so thankful to have some funds saved up, a summer job through Skype, and people to visit. I was also dealing with the stress of "imperfect progress" (Unglued's term for what I called "mess") by my traditional non-confrontational modus operandi of not dealing with it. I have understood this conceptually for a while, but though I think it was the healthiest decision to hit the road and visit lots of friends and family around the Midwest this summer and do a lot of introspecting in those hours alone in my baby Civic, I still had not put in the work to make patience and love my default response to confrontation and challenge in old relationships. 

Still, I found myself filled by these adventures, perhaps finding God through intentional wandering. What I still needed was this cup to overflow into my past that is still present, and overflow enough to move the currents in my life that have just felt stuck. And the experience that I keep coming back to that just nourished me in so many ways was helping chaperone my church's youth group trip to León, Nicaragua (if you're interested in more stories, here's my travel blog, kemstravels.blogspot.com). There, I was no longer stuck. I was a sponge. I could truly just be the me that could take in everything. History, culture, hard work, art, dance, music, nature, family. God. My heart was refocused on the concept of sacrificial love. And as I was there, one day, I can't really explain it, but I ended up taking a pen to my left hand. Not to scribble a reminder on the back of it as I do when my hand a bit more accessible than my planner or my phone to type into, but to trace this small heart with a slight curve at the tip, connected and completed by a cross in the center on the inside of my wrist. Somehow, no matter how I contorted my wrist, it was still recognizable. The drawn lines followed its curves and creases and just melted into my flesh.

And there it was, a perfect symbol for sacrificial love. How God so loved the world, how God so loves the world every day, and how we are to devote our lives and follow.

Sacrificial love. To be ready to drop everything for a phone call from a friend who needs you that second. To be ready to lay down your life out of love. To choose to be chiseled and remade a little more every day in God's image - active choice to respond to old habits, temptations, and challenges with as much grace and love as you can.

These days, I continue to draw a crossed heart on my wrist. And after my Nicaragua trip, I also was given a beautiful silver pendant by someone dear to me who I had told about my drawing but who had never seen it. The pendant was just spot-on. Even more amazing is that as I google image searched for a suitable picture to possibly use on this blog, for the pages upon pages, not a single one matched my pendant gift. Yet if I were to have shopped among those multitudes and include mine, I would have picked out the one I have been given. It is perfect.

For now, my necklace will remain around my neck for peace and comfort. But I've gotten a couple questions about why I have this on my wrist, is it a real tattoo, etc. While I would not want a tattoo because of its permanence, the funny thing is that I think it would actually detract from its meaning to me if it were permanent. It is there and I look at it often, but it also fades and bleeds. Each time I take out my pen to touch up a curve one day or draw it anew the next, I am making that choice and intentionally reminding myself of its importance. And each day I see it on this blog, I hope it reminds me, if not you all as well, to love and to serve.

On a random final note, the song that struck me today: "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" by Fernando Ortega. Absolutely beautiful for piano and guitar, and it has been running through my head all day. Hoping my momma and I can work up a duet of some sort!

So, what in the world is a "blessings blog"? In all truthfulness, I don't myself know. I think I have been searching for a method to be more systematic about recognizing the blessings in my life each day, perhaps not commentating as I notice them throughout the day to the nearest set of ears or burying myself in a journal (which I have tried for many years but put too much pressure on myself to record and forget to experience), but letting my mind and heart rest peacefully at the end of the day with the weightlessness of God's grace. 

Thanksgiving's imminence actually catalyzed this endeavor as I decided to post on Facebook each day of Thanksgiving week with a daily status of things I was thankful for. All originating from today, as I coasted down the highway, realizing, holy wow, it's November in Minnesota and I'm warm in my jacket?! "Today I am thankful for driving with the sunroof open and hearing '10,000 Reasons' on this glorious November afternoon," I posted. Day one of thanksgiving for Thanksgiving, check. 

But the first spark of this project was one of the assignments in an online bible study I did with the book Unglued by Lisa TerKeurst. The bible study challenged its followers to better understand what makes us come "unglued" and recognize how "God gave us emotions to experience life, not destroy it!" (Here's a plug: you can purchase the book here - I would recommend it!) One night, our homework was to make a list of everything we were thankful for that day. Even if you do not write your list down, simply intentionally seeking the beauty, fortune, opportunity, and love you saw and received that day is an incredible process. 

Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and the I-should-really-write-these-things-down-every-day thread had wormed its way back to the front of my consciousness. Maybe I'll just make a new journal. But good luck with that, I thought, considering how many quarter-filled journals occupy a shelf in my closet because the cover or a particularly pivotal time in my life got me all jazzed about journaling again. I wanted something more sustainable, a longer-term spirit of gratefulness that really should last beyond a holiday prayer and enter our daily being. I will do my best to post each day with gratitude for the blessings I have received, and there maybe even some bonus thoughts and reflections. As the song on shuffle while I write has tobyMac asking me, "If you gotta start sometime, why not now?", tonight is the night. I know it is not the day of official Thanksgiving, but the writing bug has caught hold and isn't letting go just yet.