Tonight is truth time. Vulnerability time. I was in a relationship that while I was in it brought me closer to God and closer to the person I believe God wants me to be. Key word is "was." That relationship ended, and it made sense that it did. I got to a good place and have been in a good place for a while, but this part of my soul has remained unresolved because I did not want to acknowledge that loss. At the time I could forgive, and I can, but sometimes even though I conceptually understand, there are all these feelings that still come in waves. There are still so many times I can experience joy with others and with God, but there are times when I want to not be alone at night, there are times when I feel empty, and there are times like tonight.
With tonight's Easter-related message at Mustard Seed and the fresh beginning of Carleton's spring term, the message that sat upon my heart was that God's sacrificial love for us saves us from sin, that's the gist of Easter, right? But sin is not just all the "thou shalt not"s... Sin is what is keeping us from God. And because I have allowed this wound, hurt, and frustration to fester because I think I should be over it, that I should not have these emotions (but God gave us emotions for a reason! It's about time to use them for strength...), I have allowed my unfulfilled expectations for human love to preclude me from experiencing the fulness of God's love. For clarity's sake though, I have absolutely no regrets. That relationship brought me much joy, and I have learned so much.
I understand conceptually that it takes time to heal. That though I was afraid to be hurt, I chose to open my heart completely to another human being, fully accepting neither of us is perfect, and I felt God's love through us. But though it may take time to trust God fully to give much of my heart to another person, I am thankful for the sisters and brothers in my life that have walked with me, acting out God's love in so many ways. Those who knew me well enough that I had to process more than I admit to, and those whose presence in my life lifted me up in many other ways.
Not letting myself heal has in fact kept me from God because it has prevented me from being completely filled, filled to be a vessel for God's love. So tonight, laying down the guilt that I feel over complaining of heartache because there are so many more pains in the world out there, I have to acknowledge the loss may still hit me sometimes, but I will be better able to live out love for others by accepting the healing power of God's sacrificial love.
Tonight I also must be intentional about recognizing some of the ways God's beauty has sparkled in my life lately because the light always overcomes darkness!
I am thankful for time to work from home last week, to wake up at 10am, do some data tracking and email writing in my pajamas, and have more energy for volunteering, late-night writing, and friend-time into the wee hours of the morning.
I'm thankful to have been available to sacrifice some of my time, when I should have perhaps been getting other things done, to help a friend move into a new apartment and pick up another friend at the airport (and that timing worked out perfectly as I came back from the Cities!).
While it may not be for much longer as my parents are thinking of downsizing in the near future, I'm thankful to have had time this weekend to organize and pack up my childhood bedroom. I know it is a luxury to have basically grown up in one single home, and I'm thankful to still have a place to keep many of my earthly possessions while I am still in Northfield for a few months and then packing lightly to live in Tucson for a year.
I'm thankful I was able to go to the Easter service at my home church and to have been challenged by a message of "where are we acting out the story of God's love in our own lives?"
And I'm thankful to still be finding a couple plastic Easter eggs here and there that my dad hid, adorable notes enclosed, as I unpack from the weekend.
May the light outshine the darkness for you as well, dear readers! Peace and love.
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